From The Jornal of Peter Banning
by Princess dogooder
Summary: Peter Banning (aka Peter Pan) went through a personal tragedy that turned him into the man he turned into. This story tells of how he fought his way back to be a good man a good husband and a good father Warning orginal character death


Disclaimer: I don't own Hook. This is an AU story

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><p><em>Wendy died this morning. My girl, my first child... the one who was named for my best friend in the world is gone. I can't stop crying<em>

_It was all my fault. Jack was just a baby and when Wendy started to cough we should have paid attention right away._

_We figured it was just a cough. We gave her some ice cream to sooth her throat. We tucked her in bed and thought she would feel better in the morning._

_By morning she had a fever. We didn't think it was that high so we didn't take her to the doctor. We had nobody to care for Jack as Wendy Darling was way too old to even care for herself and everyone else was busy._

_We thought we would give her some baby Tylenol and the fever would go down. It helped but she woke up the next morning sicker._

_We took her to the doctor. He said it was a virus. He prescribed bed rest and extra cuddles._

_Something didn't seem right but we knew that he was a doctor. He should know what he's talking about_

_We tucked her nice and warm into bed._

_We brought the TV up for her to watch. We brought her soup. We cuddled her. We read to her._

_Wendy seemed to be getting better but the cough wouldn't go away. A few weeks later we realized that something was wrong again and it was **not **a virus. This time we took her to the hospital._

_The Doctor felt something in her throat. What we thought were swollen glands turned out to be a tumor. The doctor took a piece out and tested it. Then he told us the bad news. It was cancerous. _

_I thought my heart was going to stop. It was advanced. If only we had taken her to the doctor right away. The doctor said we could try chemo but she didn't have much of a fighting chance so we made he decision to let her go peacefully. _

_We had seven weeks with her. I woke up this morning and went into her room. She was asleep... I went to give her a kiss good morning and I could feel that her skin was cold. She was gone. My boy would never know his big sister. We would never see her finish kindergarten or grow up and have a family of her own._

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><p><em>Jack keeps resenting the fact that I miss his games. I have to work after all. I'm have to put food on the table.<em>

_I can't stay connected to be honest. Every time I see him I think of Wendy. If I were to lose another child my heart would break in half so best not to connect anymore. One heartbreak in your life is enough._

_I had a dream last night. I flew away to a place called Neverland. Wendy was there. She looked so happy and so healthy but she couldn't see me._

_She was playing with a bunch of boys. I tried to talk to her. I tried to stay there but something stopped me. Something physically stopped me._

_I know she's six feet underground. But sometimes I wish I could be a dreamer again._

_Dreams are comforting but they aren't real. The truth is we don't know. You tell your children differently to comfort them but when we grow up we can't see things like we used to._

_All we can do is hope for the best. To dream would be foolish. It takes us away from where we used to be. It takes us away from reality. Reality is harsh. Reality is cruel but reality is reality._

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><p><em>Maggie Wendy Banning was born today. She has the most beautiful blue eyes. Her hair looks like it had been spun from silk. She seems so innocent.<em>

_I am so afraid to once again be a father to a girl. I love her. I really do but I can't help but fear that I will lose her. I lost one child now I have one more that I fear to lose._

_Jack wanted to hold Maggie. I couldn't let him. I was afraid that he would drop her. _

_Moria on the other hand allowed him to hold her. I kept telling him to be careful and watch her head. Maggie looked up at me as if to say "I love you"._

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><p><em>Jack and I got into a huge fight. He was angry with me for missing his game and even more angry with me for missing Maggie's play.<em>

_WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME? I HAVE TO WORK TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE. I HAVE TO KEEP A ROOF OVER OUR HEAD. HE IS SO IRRESPONSBILE. WHY CAN'T HE JUST ACT HIS AGE. HE'S NOT A CHILD ANYMORE. HE'S NEARLY A TEENAGER. MORIA THINKS I'M TOO HARD ON HIM._

_"Sometimes it's the job of a father to be a friend," she said._

_That may be but that doesn't mean to shelter them through life. The world is a cold harsh place._

_One day he's going to have a boss who might be mean to him. One day he may go through pain. If I sheltered him all the time he would never learn and grow. He would never act like an adult. Moria says he's not an adult_

_I know he's not an adult but he's going to be one someday._

_Yes, I protect Maggie but she's just a little girl. One day she too will have to learn the harsh ways of reality. One day I will have to stop sheltering her._

_I don't ever want that day to come but I know it will. Jack thinks I don't love him. I do love him. That's why I ride him so hard. He needs to know what's right and what's wrong._

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><p><em>I went to Never Land again. For some reason I'm having a hard time waking myself up. Tinker Bell tells me I'm not the same Peter I used to be. No, I'm not. I'm not the same Peter at all. I am no longer an idealistic little boy.<em>

_I know how much the world can hurt. I'm not going to lie and pretend like everything is alright. _

_Doing the right thing means doing what you have to do, not doing what you want to do. A little suffering now makes things easier later_

_Everyone tells me I'm not like I should be. Well once upon a time I was. But in fairy tale five year old girls don't die._

_In fairy tales you don't get sick and lose your pay for being out too many days in a row. This isn't a kind and forgiving world. It's a scary place and coddling my children does them no favors._

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><p><em>Wendy died 12 years ago today. I have learned a lot since than. I know that she's in a better place. <em>

_I learned I will see her again. I learned to open my heart and love. What I learned most of all is how to be a leader. I learned that a real leader treats his family with love and at the same time shows them right from wrong. I learned that a true leader doesn't push beyond limits or rather **to **limits._

_Instead a good leader stretches those limits. Like a potter he takes a lump of clay and slowly molds it into something that is useful. He looks ahead to the future._

_I know that's what Wendy would want me to do. She is no longer here but she is a part of my world and Jack is her brother and Maggie is her sister._

_She would want her siblings to be as loved as she was. How can I **dishonor **her memory? I know I'm not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I learn from those mistakes. I will do my best to be the best person I can be. I know that's what my oldest child would want and my other children deserve._

_I will do my best... and I will always try. Even when I'm not perfect I will be the perfect me. Thank you Wendy for teaching me that valuable lesson._


End file.
